Jumat, 30 Januari 2009

it's my life

Once, I woke up in the morning and realized that, literally, I was in the place I belonged to. I was okay, that was the simple sentence to describe what happened, compared with others who sometimes did not understand what they were doing right there. At least, I did many things that I really wanted, I dressed in such 'style' that represented me as me my self, I chose the people around whom I was comfortable with. What should've I beg more? I felt that I owned my own life, without any moral responsibility of doing others' wants and ethical obligatory of respecting others' idealism. Oh, I still remembered such sentences, "Finish your study soon then go to Company A, it is definitely great for you", or "Find the guy who does not only provide you a bunch of love but also such guarantee of prosperous life". Yet, they were just like wind blowing high and I didn't feel any of them.

Whatever it takes to be the real I am, however, I do understand that I cannot live alone, with my own way. I still have my labels, as daughter, labor, friend, sister, grandchild, and wife (perhaps in the next five years). And, each label requires each effort. As me myself, for instance, I think it is okay to take a rest on Saturday because I am completely exhausted after a hard week of working. But, because of the label as part of family, I have to attend a family gathering that, fortunately, has nothing to do with the meaning of family itself. I do not understand who they are, even I know many of them do not behave as family member.

Sometimes we have to take such responsibility of the labels though we do not like doing it. Instead, again sometimes, certain condition puts us in a confusing life where we cannot do anything else except those that are labeled as 'things-to-do'. Life, perhaps, has much more surprise than we thought when we were still a child. Sometimes, we do not know what we are doing, and many of us doubt the path we have chosen, yet we remain silent because we still do not know what we should do. Ironically, sometimes we have to do certain things that we do not understand, yet we keep working on them, because we just need to do those things. Consequently, we worry all of the things we are working on, question their essences, and wait for the result.

Perhaps, I worry too much. Perhaps, I doubt too much. Yet, I believe they are just part of the process I'm living with. And, I do believe that I have to live with the labels and those unwanted conditions, doubt, worry, question, and confusion to make me believe in what I am coping with. I don't know what will happen later, but I learn to believe and I learn from I believe.

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